Parenting with love and patience

From a young age I looked forward to the day I could become a mom.  I couldn't wait to cuddle and snuggle these sweet little angels.  I anticipated what joy would fill my life watching them grow and accomplish wonderful things.  I was going to be the perfect mom.   

Then I had my first child.  Reality hit me like a ton of bricks.  Being a parent was not going how I had imagined it.  I was tired, irritable, my babies were not always happy, sometimes they were down right rotten.  But one by one we added to our family until we reached 5 children. At that point I think it was all I could handle. Don't get me wrong I LOVED being a mom!  I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, but it wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be and I wasn't as prepared as I thought I was.  I want to share some things I've learned 24 years later that I wish I had known back when our first child was born.  

First, you are going to feel the emotion of anger despite your grand intentions to be the best parent.  Feeling anger as an emotion is totally ok.  It is how you handle that emotion that gets tricky.  It is important to remember that children are learning about their emotions and how they handle them.  Just as parenting is now to you emotions are new to them.  Parents need to teach what is an appropriate way to handle anger.  

The best way we can teach our children is by modeling the desired behavior.  When you get angry, and you will, how will you handle the situation? 

Brigham Young a religious leader for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has said,

"chastening may be necessary betimes, but parents should govern their children by faith rather than by the rod, leading them kindly by good example into all truth and holiness."  Being angry and upset with a child's behavior is ok, but constantly yelling and using physical discipline will cause long term effects that are less than desirable.  

I personally do not know of any parent that sets out with the intention of causing damage to their child. Being an effective parent is going to require learning and a  willingness to change less than effective practices you might be using.  

Lets take a look at physical discipline. In the book 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Dr. Laurence Steinberg he discusses the side effects of using physical punishment.  He states: "Of all the forms of punishment that parents use, the one with the worst side effects is physical punishment.  Physical punishment is no more effective than other types of punishment-in fact, in many situations it is less effective-and it has been proven to have harmful effect on children's development.  That's why you should never spank, hit, slap, or otherwise physically punish your child."

 So you're probably asking if I shouldn't yell and I shouldn't spank how do I discipline my child when they are acting out?  

Lets think about why we discipline in the first place?  Hopefully we discipline our children because we genuinely love them and we want to help correct them so that they can learn at a young age how they can be a productive, contributing, and happy person.  We don't get them there by belittling, yelling, questioning their morality and,  humiliating them alone or in front of others.  

We help them get there with well-intentioned, patient, and loving discipline.  Sometimes we may

feel so enraged at a particular behavior that it may be best for us to have a minute to compose ourselves.  It is ok to explain to your child that you are furious about this situation, but that you need a minute to calm down and then we will talk.  But do not wait too long.  Waiting too long will make it more difficult for the child to connect the bad behavior with the discipline and that is an important part of the puzzle.  

    

Dr. Laurence Steinberg says to make punishment effective it must be "unpleasant, consistent, and swiftly administered, and it should not be harsh."  He continues on to tell us that punishment needs to include 5 elements in a specific order.  

He states that there needs to be first,  

"An identification of the specific act that was wrong. A statement describing the impact of the behavior. A suggestion for one or more alternative to the undesirable behavior. A clear statement of what the punishment is going to be. A statement of your expectation that your child will do better next time". (10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting by Dr. Laurence Steinberg-2005)

Lets apply these 5 elements to a real situation.  Your 4 year old lets call him Mike gets angry and hits his little sister because she is playing with a toy that he wants to play with and she wont share it with him.  Using the 5 elements Dr. Steinberg suggest the following conversation might happen. 

 Mom: Mike hitting your sister is wrong.  When you hit her you hurt her and made her cry.  I understand that you wanted to play with that toy, but instead of hitting your sister you could have come to me and asked me to help, or chose to play with another toy until she was done.  Because you hit your sister you will have to sit in time out for 4 minutes.  Next time you get angry about your sister not sharing with you I expect that you will not hit her but come talk to me about the situation.   

    In handling the behavior in such a way it helps the child recognize the bad behavior, understand why it was wrong, realize there are other ways of dealing with it, and see that there are consequences to the choices we make.  They also learn what is expected of them in those situations.  There will certainly be times that undesirable behaviors pop up, but as we consistently apply these elements in our discipline I am sure you will see improvement. 

 Parenting is a growing experience for all.  It doesn't come with a how to book, but as you prayerfully consider how to parent your child you will be guided to information that can help you develop the skills you need to parent them in the best way possible.  Just as you don't expect perfection from your children give yourself some slack too.  Mistakes will be made and that is ok.  We can apologize, change tactics, and try again.  Fortunately for us most kids are full of love and forgiveness.  Love your babies and teach them with love.